Chapter 1

Chapter 1


Chapter Song:
Garbage - Androgyny

A/N: Chapter One was written by the mastermind behind it all, Mags. :)

What the fuck was I doing? This wasn’t me. I don’t go to bars and pick up men. I don’t pick up men, period.


I blame Jessica for the whole, horrible mess. We were drunk one night after I’d had another argument with Alice and I admitted that part of the problem was the recent curiosity I’d had about guys. In my drunken, loose-tongued state, I told my oldest friend that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t entirely one hundred percent gay.

And that’s when it all started to go wrong.

Jess seemed to think she was on a mission to help me "find my true self," whatever that means. She decided I really had to try sex with a guy if I wanted to know for sure what I really wanted.

So we ended up in the nastiest bar ever. Jessica called it a meat market. She insisted that if I walked out of there at the end of the night without getting fucked, it would be a first. Then she said “If you can still walk!” and laughed so hard, I nearly turned around and ran out before I’d even ordered a drink.

The worst part of the whole night was Jessica’s insistence on pointing guys out based on her opinion of their crotches and not their faces. What’s between men’s legs is not something I’m comfortable with. In fact, I’d only ever touched one cock and that was through jeans when I had that last disastrous date with Mike Newton back in senior year. He’d panted like a dog and groaned then I felt the disgusting twitching under my hand. That was my first and last experience with a cock and it was one I wasn’t keen to repeat and yet...there was this need to know, to find out why something was missing with Alice, why I always felt strangely unfulfilled with her.

Jess prodded me with her elbow every few minutes and jerked her head towards "interesting" male crotches in the vicinity. “How about his? It looks big, but not so big that it would actually hurt.”

I could feel my face flame with embarrassment that didn’t let up the whole night. Throwing another shot down my throat, I told Jess to knock it off before someone got offended.

“You think these guys would be offended if they saw you checking out their cocks? You really don’t have a clue about men!” she shrieked and then ordered another round. My head was already spinning, but I was sure I couldn’t do this. It was horrible.

“Jess, I can’t. This is too weird. I’ll work things out in my own time,” I yelled over the music, but she wasn’t listening. She was staring over my shoulder with her mouth hanging open, her chest almost palpitating.

Scared to look but knowing I had to, I turned slowly and that’s when I saw them.

There were three of them; three guys, and they were all tall. I could see why Jess was staring. They were hot, even I could see that. Nearly every girl in the club was watching them as they made their way around the crowded dance floor towards the bar. As they came closer, I realized I couldn’t look away and I barely felt Jessica’s nails as she clung to my arm and said, “Oh my GAWD.”

The guy at the front of the trio was blond, with the sexiest smirk on his full lips as if he knew what every girl in the place felt looking at his gorgeous face. Behind him, towering over everyone, was a dark-haired guy with shoulders that could probably smash through brick walls. He was really hot too and heavily muscled, with a huge dimpled smile on his open face.

As I was wrestling with some unfamiliar feelings, mostly between my legs, the blonde guy half turned to talk to the third guy in their group and I stopped breathing, drawing in air and holding it as I stared with my mouth hanging open like Jess had.

Jeez, he was so beautiful.

Have you ever seen someone so gorgeous that the sight of them hits you like a body blow? It didn’t even matter that he wasn’t my type, that he wasn’t even the right gender. I was stunned.

He had thick, messy hair but it was hard to see the exact color in the pulsing lights of the club. His hand raked through it over and over as he leaned in to hear his blonde friend. Watching the way his fingers bent and flexed gave me ideas that I’d never had about a guy. As I stared, he smiled and his upper lip curled in the most adorable way. Luckily the music was loud because I sighed and, at that moment, he turned to look in my direction, as if he felt me looking at him. I don’t know why I was singled out but I felt my face flush and the bar stool seemed to tilt under my ass.

His eyes! He looked at me until I felt like he was reading every dirty thought I was having. 

I have never, in all my life, seen anyone so achingly fuckhot.

Jess nudged me and I came out of my trance, burning with shame as I looked away from him. Why was I staring at this stranger, this guy, when I have a girlfriend? I looked at Jess and she rolled her eyes dramatically, then leaned over to talk to me.

“Oh damn, Bella. If you fuck him, you’ll NEVER go back to women! That guy is pure sex,” she gasped.

I shook my head, scared to look up in case I started gaping like a moron again. “Jess, forget it. I’ve changed my mind. I really don’t want to know what it’s like with a man,” I insisted but felt the disappointment as I said it. There was a large part of me that really wanted to know what it would be like to get it on with someone that sexy.

Jess laughed. “Yeah. Whatever, Bella. If you don’t want them, I do. Those three are taking me home tonight but I’ll settle for two of them if you want that hot one who’s still eye-fucking you.”

My head shot up before I had time to think about what I was doing and I looked into those wide-set blue eyes again, seeing the amusement on his face. The others looked over too and they all smiled.

Jess was almost bouncing in her seat when they began to make their way through the crowd around the bar. I wanted to run like hell, but Jess had my arm in a vice-like grip and she wasn’t going to let me leave with my forearm still attached. Shit!

Before I had a chance to do anything, to attempt to drag my idiot friend away, the three strangers were right there, looming over us. Damn, they were all so tall and masculine. I didn’t know where to look so I settled on a point over the big one’s shoulder, but I could still see his dimpled smirk from the corner of my eye and the wild mass of hair of his stunning friend. I thought I was on the verge of a panic attack and all the alcohol seemed to burn off in the heat of my embarrassment.

The blonde one started the conversation off in typical male fashion. Like a fucking sleaze.

“So, are you pretty ladies alone tonight?” he drawled, his accent hard to place but very sexy. I laughed nervously and they all stared at me until I had to meet the blonde’s eyes. He was smirking and it annoyed me.

“No, we’re not alone. We’re with each other. Thanks for asking,” I snapped and felt the shame wash over me again when the three of them laughed. I realized how that sounded and I felt my face flame so hot, I was sure I must have been glowing in the lights from the bar.

Jess screeched with laughter and let go of me only to reach across my lap and grab the blonde’s forearm. “Sorry about Bella. She’s in desperate need of a man. You can see she’s useless.”

The bitch! I was going to kill her. Before I could open my mouth to cuss her out, a voice like velvet cut through the music and I turned to stare at the beautiful face, momentarily too stunned to react to the words coming from that kissable mouth. Then it sank in and I almost combusted as my embarrassment hit a peak.

He was looking right at me when he said, “If there’s anything I can do to help Bella out with that, let me know.”

Lubricated with too much tequila and acting impetuously as usual, Jess leaned right over my lap, grabbed him by the front of his half unbuttoned shirt, and pulled his messy-haired head towards her to yell in his ear. I could smell the shampoo on his hair and my heart lurched.

“Bella’s kind of a virgin,” Jess yelled at exactly the same time as the music faded into a new song and at least a dozen people around the bar looked at us and laughed. My face felt like it had been scalded and I was speechless. I was going to have to kill Jess.

They were still leaning over my lap and the heat seemed to radiate off the guy’s skin. He was so close I could see the thick hair on his arms stir as Jess breathed. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow, a dubious look on his face.

“Surely she has to be either a virgin or not. How can she be ‘kinda’ one?” he teased, a smile spreading across his face as he gave me another sideways look.

“Well,” Jess said, pausing for dramatic effect. And still, my throat was closed tight with shame and anger. “Bella’s never been with a man.”

Jess and the guy looked at each other for what felt like an hour as I died inside, then they laughed until I wanted to punch them both.

Then, to make the whole situation even worse, the most gorgeous person I’d ever seen looked me square in the eye and asked, “Is this true, Bella? You’re not precisely a virgin, but...” he trailed of suggestively. I was frozen like a small, squeaky animal in headlights.

Jess broke the moment of uncomfortable silent scrutiny by laughing loud and hard. “Oh man, you believed me!” she yelled at him and they both cracked up. The other two guys were straining to hear and I was glad they couldn’t because this situation was horrible enough.

The guy stopped laughing and apologized to me while Jess was still giggling. “Can I get you a drink?” he asked, a sheepish look on his face. Maybe he really looked sorry or maybe I was too weak to withstand a face so amazing in its imperfect perfection, but I stopped glaring at him and accepted the drink, as did Jess. She insisted on more shots and the three guys joined us, the big dark haired one winking at Jess when they slammed their glasses down on the bar at the same time.

“So, what’s your friend’s name?” the beautiful guy asked me once the burn of the spirits wore off.

“Jessica. Jess,” I said, then my conversational skills dried up.

He nodded and asked, “Beer?”

As the cold beer started to chill me out, the blonde and the big guy moved around to talk to Jess and she started flirting heavily, her dirty laugh cutting through the air every time the music faded into another tune. Reluctant to get involved in whatever disgusting conversation she was no doubt having, I had no choice but to talk to the strange and ridiculously hot guy standing beside me, his chest level with my face as he drank from his beer bottle. His chest hair was distracting and I felt the weirdest urge to slip my fingers into the front of his shirt to feel the hair over his hot skin. The moist air of the club seemed to heat up even more as I considered this urge, wondering what the hell it would feel like until my hands cramped with the paralyzing need.

He seemed to notice my preoccupation because he asked, “You aren’t angry that I was teasing you, are you?”

I shook my head. No, I was fucking furious with Jess. She was in shit the next time I got her alone.

“Good. I’m just back from a couple of years overseas and my friends, Em and Jazz wanted to celebrate. We’ve probably had too much to drink. No offense meant, okay?” he said, smiling at me until I wondered why I was pissed at anyone.

He put his bottle down suddenly and leaned towards my ear as a really loud song came on. I could smell beer and a hint of his shampoo again as his cold lips grazed my ear. “My name’s Edward.”

“Nice to meet you, Edward,” I whispered as he leaned back. He frowned and shook his head, unable to hear me as the song intensified, the beat shaking the floor. I sat up straight on my stool and said it again just as he leaned down to hear me. I found my lips so close to his face, I could feel the heat radiate off his cheek onto my mouth, and my head began to spin from the drinks and the overwhelming hotness so close to me.

That’s when he turned his head and pressed his lips against mine, his tongue pushing my teeth apart before I could even work out what was happening.

Then, right around the moment when what was left of my mind was telling me to push him away, leave the stupid club and go home to make up with Alice, the heat flooded my body from head to toe and I found my arms snaking around his shoulders, my fingers plunging into the thick hair at the nape of his neck as I moaned in the back of my throat. I heard giggling from behind me but I ignored it, no longer giving a shit what Jess had to say.

I’ve never kissed anyone like that before and I’ve certainly never been kissed that way either. His stubble scratched my face but I pulled him closer, wanting to feel those hairs against my lips as the tip of his tongue explored my mouth, flicking over my teeth and slowly circling my tongue, refusing to let me draw it in further.

His hand were flat against my back and he pulled me towards him, his fingertips pressing harder as I pulled on his hair. It felt as if he was covering every inch of my back, the heat from his large hands radiating through the thin shirt I wore. I realized I was losing control completely as his lips moved over mine and he panted into my mouth. We were in the middle of a busy bar and people could see us. What was I doing?

I had just enough control left to pull away and I felt something close to panic when I looked up into a pair of heavy-lidded blue eyes. I needed to get the hell away. It was too much.

“Excuse me. I have to... I need to...” I mumbled, sliding off my stool and wobbling away on legs that seemed to be lacking the necessary joints.

I looked around for the bathrooms and was ready to give up when I saw a blinking blue sign off to the left. I squeezed my way through the crush of sweating bodies, desperate for a cool, quiet place to fall apart in. Within a few feet of the black door, I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned, seeing the one thing I really didn’t need to see right then.

“Bella, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you off. Are you okay?” Edward asked and I shook my head.

“I can’t do this. I have...there’s someone I love. That I’m with,” I stuttered, trying to turn and escape to the toilets, shaking off his hand.

I rushed into the white of the ladies room and blinked with shock in the light. When the heavy door closed behind me, I could hear the hum of the lights over the muffled music. It seemed loud and I concentrated on it as I stood with my back against the cool black stone around the sinks, trying to fight the spinning in my head. The four stall doors were open and I splashed my hands and face with cold water at the sink, patting them dry with a paper towel while I tried to get a grip on myself.

When the door opened, I barely looked up, not wanting another girl to see me looking like such a wreck. None of the cubicle doors closed and I chanced a look in the mirror, partly horrified to see Edward but mostly excited by the sight of him. Now, in the bright lights of the ladies room, I could see his hair was a deep red, set off by the black shirt he wore, and his face was even more incredible than I’d realized. He leaned against the wall by the door and watched me without a word, his expression set with determination.

“Do you mind? This is the little girls’ room, you know?” I snapped.

He smiled a little but didn’t move. “Yeah, I’ve seen a few before.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked until I felt my face redden again.

I knew I should walk around him and leave. I was fairly confident he wouldn’t stop me. I almost did; walking to stand beside him, my hand on the door handle, my legs shaking when I looked up into that stunning face.

Something changed in the atmosphere though. I realized that I’d never be alone with someone this gorgeous again; I was certain of that fact, and I had to know. I needed to know how it would feel to give in to the urge to touch him again.

So I reached out and slid my fingers into the gap in his shirt, unable to look at him. My breath caught in my throat as his fingers ran up my arm and he pressed my hand to his chest, the hair there tickling my palm.

There was no walking away now.

He lifted me abruptly with his arms tightly around my waist and I was amazed, never having been lifted like this before. The feel of his long arms was so unfamiliar, so excitingly strong compared to Alice’s thin, soft arms. I could feel the hardness of his cock against my hip and I almost panicked then but he started kissing me again as he pressed me against the wall of the first stall, kicking the door shut and locking it without breaking away from my lips. In the quiet cubicle, the overhead lights were dim and we struggled for space, my back repeatedly hitting the wall hard enough to shake the partition.

He pulled back and lifted the bottom of my shirt, removing it so fast I didn’t have time to react before his mouth was trailing down my neck. His head bent to my breasts as he sucked my nipples into his mouth one by one, his mouth so hot and insistent. I was groaning when his mouth met mine again, the skin on my breasts stinging from the rough contact of his stubble.

Something close to panic started in my stomach but his hands slid down to my ass and he lifted me up until I felt his cock press between my legs. He broke away from my mouth, whispering “Fuck,” against my shoulder, his skin burning against mine. His arousal galvanized me out of my shock and I was suddenly frantic to have him inside me, to know how he would feel.

Taking his face between my hands, I pulled his face back to mine and kissed him hard, urging him on. He didn’t take much urging. He let me go just long enough to undo his pants and I found I couldn’t watch. I looked away, feeling the near panic scald my face and dry my mouth. I laid my face against his shoulder and stared at the gray flecked door of the cubicle, my heart pounding.

I yelped with surprise when his hands ran up my thighs and we both giggled until his smoldering eyes bore into mine. I kissed him again just to stop the confusion I felt looking into his eyes. His hands squeezed my ass firmly, too briefly, then he hooked his fingertips into the sides of my panties and pulled them down fast. I paid no attention to where they went; I wanted to wrap my legs around him so bad.

When his hands gripped my backside again, I almost climbed his body, whimpering as I tried to get closer, opening the buttons on his shirt with shaking but determined hands. I was pressing my lips to his chest, lost in the unfamiliar sensations, when he suddenly pressed my back to the partition and thrust into me hard and fast. I’d never felt anything like this before, nothing Alice and I had done together prepared me for the feeling. As he panted in my ear and thrust into me, my head was spinning, thoughts burning away in the heat of the moment.

This, being fucked by this guy, felt so good I couldn’t do anything but hold onto his shoulders, clinging to his hair and moaning harshly. His breathing was fast but he was quiet, and when the sound of a door creaking open filtered through the mindless mess I’d become, he covered my mouth with his left hand, stifling my loud moans as we heard the giggling from outside the stall.

And yet, I didn’t care. I was lost, my whole body flooded with heat and waves of intense pleasure crashed through me with each grinding motion of our hips. I thought I couldn’t stand any more, but the thought of it ending now was painful. Ignoring the audience outside, almost oblivious to the rattling of the partition as my back slammed against it, I gave into the new and overwhelming feel of this man inside of me, against me, all around me.

I came hard, biting the flesh of his palm as my ankles locked around his ass, swearing against his hand when it tightened on my face as he drew in a breath and slammed his hips against me almost painfully one more time before he released me, my shaking legs barely able to straighten out when my feet hit the floor.

Then I realized I didn’t know what to do now. Was there etiquette for this kind of situation? Did one of us get dressed and leave first? Should we speak or not? I couldn’t even look at him and I was shaking almost uncontrollably. I ignored the sounds I heard, far too embarrassed to look in case he was removing a condom. I folded my arms over my chest until I realized my skirt was still up around my hips. I smoothed it down hurriedly and covered my breasts again until I felt something touch my hand.

“Your shirt,” he said, his voice full of amusement. “I hung it over the hook on the door. And, of course, you didn’t have a bra.”

I looked up finally and he looked dishevelled, his hair mussed and his shirt damp with sweat. His face was flushed and he’d buttoned his shirt up wrong. He was still the sexiest sight I’d ever seen.

I needed to get the hell out of the claustrophobic air of the stall. I dressed in a hurry, thanking him without looking when he handed me my panties. Then I finally found my voice. “I should go find my friend. Jess was pretty drunk.”

“You got that right. She left with my friends before I came in here,” he laughed.

Jess ditched me and went off with two guys? That bitch!

I yanked open the door, apologizing when it hit his foot. Three girls looked up from the sinks and laughed as I stumbled past. I felt my face burning with embarrassment as I opened the door to the noise and heat of the club. I forced my way through the crowd and burst through the front doors into the fresh, night air, relieved to be outdoors where I could think again.

The cab I hailed smelled awful, but it helped clear my head. I kept my eyes on the meter after I looked out as the cab pulled out and saw the unmistakable tall figure watching me with his head to the side, his hair in messy clumps from my sweaty hands.

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Back at my apartment, I wasn’t surprised to find that Jess wasn’t home. She’d left a text on my cell and I fumbled it, dropping it on the floor as I tried to read the message. She said she’d gone back to Em’s with him and Jazz, and would see me in the morning. The slut.

I was tired suddenly and crawled into bed, shedding my clothes under the covers and throwing them out onto the floor. There was an ache between my legs that reminded me too much of what I’d just done. I didn’t know how to feel about it and I wanted to ignore it, to sleep and forget the confusion I felt.

As I lay in the dark, trying to stop my thoughts, my phone rang and I answered without looking, thinking it would be Jess drunk off her ass. It wasn’t; it was Alice and her hello sounded reproachful.

“How you doing, Bells?” she asked, all the anger from earlier gone.

“I’m okay. Tired,” I mumbled.

“Did you go out?” she asked and I felt sick.

“Yeah, me and Jess went out. I got home a little while ago.”

Alice asked where we’d gone and I cringed as I answered. “That LGR club.”

Alice laughed her high, sweet laugh. “Really? That place is wall to wall cock. You must have felt out of place.”

“Oh you know Jess. She loved it,” I said, evasively.

“I bet. Did she hook up and leave you again?” Alice asked and I felt horrible when I thought how that was only part of the story.

“Yeah, she’s still out. She won’t be home until the morning.”

Alice was quiet for a few seconds. “Can I come over? I just got some bad news and I’d like to see you.”

I smiled to myself. “Yeah, come over. What was the news?”

“Oh, it’s my uncle Marcus. He died,” Alice said, dismissively.

“Alice, I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling like the biggest bitch when I thought of what I’d just done when my girlfriend just had a death in the family.

“Don’t worry about it; I hated him. The whole family did, apart from my brother of course,” Alice said this with venom. She didn’t get along with her brother, I knew that, but she’d never told me why or how bad it was. I hadn’t met him. She said he’d moved away.

“Listen, Bella. The funeral’s on Thursday and I can’t face it alone. My brother’s home for it. I need your support, if you’ll forgive me for the argument earlier.”

I felt awful that Alice was apologizing to me after what I’d done.

“Sure, hun. I’ll be there. What’s the problem with your brother? Should I know before I meet him?” I asked.

“Oh, he won’t talk to us. He hasn’t spoken to me since he found out I’m gay,” Alice said.

I was shocked. Alice’s family always seemed so open to me, so understanding. I couldn’t believe Carlisle and Esme could raise a homophobe. “Why?” I asked.

Alice laughed, bitterly. “He found out when he saw me making out with his girlfriend.”